Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God;
lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you,
and thereby many be defiled; Hebrews 12:15
During prayer time, my mind wanders
I try to keep my focus
Doesn’t always happen
Today, my mind wandered to a situation that happened many years ago
I was treated unfairly and wrongly judged
The situation never really got remedied
The event turned out to be divisive and much damage was caused
due to judgments and emotions
I did my best, but maybe I could have handled better
I really should have never said okay to something I didn’t want to do
That was the first mistake
I had a new puppy
I had wanted a dog my whole adult life
and finally, I had a wonderful, new puppy
He was very young, not yet able to be trained for this event
It was my birthday
My friend and my friend’s friend decided I needed to go out for my birthday, which I didn’t want to do
I wanted to stay home or be somewhere my puppy could relax
and didn’t have to be sitting in one position too long
They insisted that I go out to celebrate my birthday
I know they meant well, that is what they would have wanted to do
Pretty soon, they invited more people who wanted to come
I was not enjoying that this was getting even slightly bigger
I made clear my idea of what I wanted for my birthday,
which was not at a restaurant on the sidewalk
where my puppy had to sit on concrete for 2+ hours while humans talked
The day of the birthday dinner, I arrived to the restaurant an hour early,
this was so I could have a good place to park
and then to walk my puppy for the hour before so he would be tired
and have less energy to sit as still as he could under the table
We had reservations at 6:00 for an outside table
The friends called and said they would be 15 minutes late
They didn’t arrive in 15 minutes but later than that, almost at 6:30
I wanted to go home
I was so disappointed that I even agreed to this
and I knew it would be a chore to keep my puppy
from greeting everyone who walked by as the tables were on the sidewalk
I really wanted to go home
I should have gone home
I was irritated they all were late, that three of the four had decided to drive together when at least 2 of them could have arrived on time
The whole evening did not turn out well
I was stressed and my feelings were hurt
and I turned out to be the bad guy because I wasn’t jovial
I was the bad guy
I wasn’t gracious
I was playing a part that wasn’t me, trying to pretend to be happy
I was not good at hiding my feelings
I’m still not good at that
After dinner, nobody wanted to go for a walk
Because three of the four decided to ride together,
one of them wanted to go home, so they all had to leave
The other one wanted to leave as well
Who could blame her?
It was probably my worst birthday ever
One of the friends of my friend said I was rude, which I probably was
Trying to explain the whole thing wouldn’t have mattered
She would not have understood
I noticed when my mind was wandering this morning
that I had a root of unforgiveness still there
My love for them was not exactly warm
And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold.
Matthew 24:12
I thought I had completely forgiven them,
but my thoughts were revealed when I was trying to pray for these people, that I was very glad I didn’t have to see them anymore
I had a hard time even praying for them
So likewise shall My heavenly Father do also unto you,
if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.
Matthew 18:35
I do not still see these people, but unforgiveness and bitterness is bad
and no matter what happened,
I need to forgive from the bottom of my heart, so there is no root left,
not even a tiny, little one
My puppy grew and lived a full life of over 14 years,
which gives an idea how long that icky root has been there
That was such an unpleasant memory
It was hard to move on from and I thought I had
Terrible feelings of being dismissed and disregarded came up this morning
as I considered this situation years later
Birthdays can be filled with disappointments
Some people have had wonderful birthdays all of their lives
Some people were raised with much love and security
but most people have had some disappointments and hurts,
maybe not on their birthday, but perhaps on some other important day
It has much to do with our culture and our expectations
and the way we feel deep inside,
incidents can trigger our insecurities and past hurts
or even the perceptions we have gained over the years
Whatever the case, wounds can be reopened
and the feeling of dismissal is never a good thing
Paul forgave those guards who beat him
The wounds of a friend can be more difficult to look past
Jesus wants us to forgive from the bottom of our hearts
He never gave us a pass
He never will
He expects us to love and forgive from the very depths of our soul
Jesus was betrayed by someone close to Him
He taught forgiveness while He was suffering
Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.
And they parted His raiment, and cast lots. Luke 23:34
How do we do that?
Not in our own strength
Not with our own abilities
Jesus’ strength is made perfect in weakness
And He said unto me,
My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities,
that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9